Article by Felicity Keith – Threesomes: Is Three Company… or a Crowd?
Threesomes are one of those titillating topics that get people talking. Yet many don’t know the best way to add them into their sex life. Read on as Felicity dishes some advice on having a menage a trois.
“Hi Felicity, What is your opinion on threesomes? Do you have any good information on them? My husband and I have talked about threesomes being a fantasy of ours. But if we are ready to actually take the step to try one, where should we start? Any advice?”
The most important piece of advice I have for you is to create VERY clear boundaries with your husband.
Threesome and How to Make it Work Discuss up front the activities you are both comfortable with. As well as what you aren’t comfortable happening. For example, one friend I know had a rule that her boyfriend could not have intercourse with the other woman. Although, everything else was acceptable to her.
Someone else I know spontaneously agreed to a threesome with her husband. And another man after enjoying a few drinks out at a party. No discussion about boundaries was had ahead of time. When she became intimate with the second man, her husband realized he really wasn’t alright with seeing another man pleasure his wife. He broke up the intimate situation which apparently escalated into a booze-fueled argument. Threats were made and the police were called to the scene. She was so embarrassed when the neighbors asked what had happened!
It may seem like talking about a threesome ahead of time and deciding rules and things isn’t sexy. And takes some of the fantasy and excitement out of it. But because the risk of hurt feelings, jealousy, and other issues is high. Talking things through is necessary.
In a neutral setting, openly discuss why each of you is interested in experiencing a threesome. Talk about whether you’ll be inviting a male or female to join you. Then discuss the specific activities you each want to experience and agree to what you both feel comfortable with.
Be honest and direct. For example, if you aren’t okay with your husband having intercourse with this other woman but you are okay with any combination of oral giving/receiving, say so. If you aren’t sure how you feel, talk about that too.
You can also agree on a safe word to use if something becomes uncomfortable in the moment. It’s very possible that what sounds okay ahead of time might cross the line when it’s actually taking place. Having a way to quickly communicate your discomfort to each other is a good idea.
The second piece of advice is be careful about who you are inviting to join you.
Threesome and Fantasies of a Couple, A close friend, or neighbor might seem like a familiar choice but because you are already in each other’s lives, it can cause issues down the road.
I know one couple who asked her good friend to join them in a ménage a trois. It worked fine during the actual experience, but after, the woman couldn’t get the image of her husband entwined with her friend out of her mind. Every time she saw her friend, she thought of it. And it began to make her feel jealous and insecure over time.
Even if you have a friend (male or female) who you find attractive, carefully consider the long term impact it could have on your relationship down the road. The issues with threesomes rarely happen with the actual act, it’s how our brains process things after the fact. Once you or your husband have been sexually intimate with a mutual friend, you can’t erase it and go back to when things were strictly platonic. Think honestly about whether jealousy could become a problem.
I think selecting someone you know, but aren’t particularly close with, is the best idea. Think of someone who you trust but also that you don’t see as a regular part of your daily life.
One idea is to see if there is a swingers club in your area. These private members-only clubs give couples open to all sorts of sexual proclivities the chance to meet other people with similar tastes. The clubs typically have a code of conduct that everyone agrees to and there are rules in place to keep people safe. The club managers know who the members are so there is a certain amount of assurance. For example, many clubs only allow couples in the “play” areas. An unaccompanied single man might not be allowed to roam naked freely about the club.
And remember, it’s okay to decide that actually going through with a threesome isn’t your cup of tea. There are other creative ways to use the power of imagination to bring the fantasy to life without actually bringing a third person into your bed. In the program Language of Desire, I teach you several fun options to creatively experience fantasies that honor each person’s boundaries.
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