In the Company of Women: Indirect Aggression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop Reviews
In the Company of Women: Indirect Aggression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other & How into Stop
- ISBN13: 9781585422234
- Condition: New
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Two prominent experts on gender issues in the workplace describe how indirect aggression among women undermines their professional & personal success, & explain how into change conflict into cooperation.
Following the success of Queen Bees & Wannabes & Odd Girl Out, about aggression in girls, In the Company of Women explains how indirect, or “relational,” aggression can hurt women & hinder them from achieving success & harmony in their adult lives. Gender studies have shown that when a goal is in sight, men generally use direct action into attain it. Women, on the other hand, have been socialized into express aggressive actions through indirect means-using behavior such as shunning, stigmatizing, & gossiping into emotionally
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Review by for In the Company of Women: Indirect Aggression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop
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When I picked up “In the Company of Women” to read, I was prepared to disagree with every single sentence. A female colleague had given it to me as a gift, saying that all her friends were reading it and having an “aha” experience — they finally understood what was happening in their interactions with other women at work, with their friends, etc. I wasn’t even going to read it, but when she told me that Harvard Business School had the book on its recommended list on its website, I decided to go ahead and at least start.
My fear was that the book would play into every stereotype we professional women have worked so hard to overcome — reinforcing that all-too-widespread male view that we are emotional, bitchy “girls” just out to get each other. BOY WAS I WRONG! These authors have PhD’s and years of experience in corporate America and they know their stuff. I was really impressed with the scholarship and research.
As I was reading I began to see all my friends and myself in the examples. We have all been sabotaged by other women in the workplace; we just didn’t want to admit it. I didn’t find the advice trite or counterproductive to business in the least –and I didn’t find it to be overly focused on the issue itself so that I was left thinking “OK now what do I do?” The majority of the book is focused on solutions THAT WORK, and those solutions are very simple. I have been using them, and I can say with absolute confidence that my work environment is better for all of us — men and women — as a result.
We all deal with co-workers based on their personalities, level in the organization, work styles, etc. If I manage someone who isn’t brilliant but who is really organized, good-natured, straightforward, and works well under pressure, then I will assign a different project (or in a different way), and with a different set of expectations about completion date, than if he or she is brilliant but disorganized, moody, and gets overwhelmed by pressure. Gender is simply one more factor to consider, but I never thought about it before because I wanted to think it doesn’t matter. (Maybe a little leftover 1960′s idealism at work-I don’t know). But of course gender matters and I just didn’t see it! (The rest of our bodies are different — why wouldn’t our brains be too?) That means their work styles are likely to be different too. But as the authors point out, that’s not a liability that’s a PLUS. I was especially impressed with the biological research Heim and Murphy cite to show how these gender differences are hard-wired –that women’s brains are different than men’s. I also found the evolutionary and primate studies to be a real eye-opener.
I was prepared to hate this book because I thought it was would be “pop psychology” at its worst. Instead, it’s groundbreaking psychology at its best. “In the Company of Women” gives all the scientific, rational explanations and solutions that make it safe for all of us to talk about the problem. It has intense scholarly research combined with “real-world” experience, and solutions, solutions, solutions. Otherwise, women don’t want to talk about it for fear of reinforcing that “bitchy girls” stereotype, and men don’t want to talk about it because they don’t want to appear sexist. If we don’t start dealing with the issue, we ALL lose, both in and out of the workplace!
The authors’ solutions may seem simple at times, but in my experience the simplest solutions are the most effective ones. I just bought copies to send to my best old college friends as well as to my daughters, and I sent the Harvard Business School review to about 20 other professional women. I am also making the book “required reading” for everybody who reports to me. I hate to be wrong, but it made me realize that women AND men are shooting themselves in the foot by doing what I was doing — NOT ADMITTING THAT THE PROBLEM EXISTS.
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Review by Reader for In the Company of Women: Indirect Aggression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop
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I have to say, I felt pretty disgusted with myself, having to pretend to be insecure and self-depreciating, just to get other women to like me. But by God it works.
I tested the techniques out on my very next female customer. I refused to accept her compliments, kept downplaying myself and my accomplishments, while praising her instead and pointing out all the ways in which I felt she was better.
Result: She LOVED me. We actually linked arms and skipped! No kidding! She convinced her husband to give me $500 on a job that wasn’t worth half that much money.
Not only is this book helpful in avoiding petty jealousy, the evil eye, and female sabotage, applied to business situations it can be a real cash cow!!! $$$
Take those psychology books that advise you to “Project Self Confidence!” and “Toot Your Own Horn!” and throw them in the garbage. If you are not a man, that will not work for you.
This one tip alone will save your friendships: Don’t you dare ever tell a woman good news. If you have good news tell a man. If you have bad news tell a woman.
If you’re just bustin’ to tell all the girls how your new boyfriend is rich, famous and hunky, DON’T, unless you a have your own personal security detail and somebody willing to start your car for you.
If they find out anyway, make your good fortune sound negative. Tell them he beats you and he slept with your sister. : P
I can sum the whole book up for you: Women can’t stand to see another woman happy, especially if they’re not. Better learn how to operate within the “Power Dead Even” Rule.
Review by Peter Lambrou for In the Company of Women: Indirect Aggression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop
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This book was recommended to me by a friend and I thank her very much. The authors have described processes that explain what I have observed, but couldn’t quite understand, until reading this book. Why women have an incredible memory for hurts and injustices; why women can be so ‘catty’ amongst themselves; why women can talk so intimately and so easily with each other and with men… I could go on and on with the questions I’ve always had about women. Learning about the ‘tend and befriend’ hormone and about the Darwinian survival characteristics of many of these behaviors helps men (as well as women) understand and not personalize these inherent patterns. I especially appreciated the research citations and the sound scientific foundations of the authors’ conclusions. I have recommended this book to a dozen people I know, and I think it’s a worthwhile read for any adult who works with, is in a relationship with, or is a woman – and I guess that’s everyone.
Review by for In the Company of Women: Indirect Aggression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop
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Fantastic book. Every job I have ever had I have had difficulties – ranging from mild to extreme – with other women in the workplace. – Never with the men. I am in a field dominated by men, where most of the women are in support roles. This only makes things worse. They resent you for your success and confidence and your salary. There is no “old girls club” to nurture or mentor you – only a club to sabotage you if you don’t follow the rules – and of course you don’t know the rules.With this book – I now know the rules. Despite the fact that following them will make me feel like a manipulator and dishonestly caring about the small talk that women do – i now realize that I must do it or else!Every woman in the corporate world should read this and anyone, man or woman who manages women should be required to read this book.
Review by for In the Company of Women: Indirect Aggression Among Women: Why We Hurt Each Other and How to Stop
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Simply put…the theories in this book WORK. Admittedly somewhat skeptical of implementing the “chip theory” and the power dead even rule, I decided to try them out on a recent business trip. My experience on this trip was unlike any other. From the woman behind the airline ticket counter to the female “guest services” coordinator at the hotel, other women went out of their way to support my needs and made my success possible. Interestingly, when I tried out the theories on men, I found that they responded more positively to me as well. Go out and buy this book as soon as you can. Read it, study it and put the theories into practice. Then sit back and watch how your life changes before your eyes.